


Swords and Storms

by johnegberts



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Everybody Lives, Fluff and Smut, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Psychic Abilities, Smut, Tentabulges, Tentacle Dick, background davekat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 00:58:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14225637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnegberts/pseuds/johnegberts
Summary: Eridan wasn't expecting a visitor this late at night. But who was he to complain?a nice smut for my friends <3 ily you all <33





	Swords and Storms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [avocado315](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avocado315/gifts).



It’s a dark and stormy night.  
Eridan clings to the comfort of his sheets. When will the tears of the sky cease to be, he thinks to himself. Poetry fits the tastes of such an established man like himself. Over and over, the troll replays his sentence in his head, finding reassurance in the repetition of the phrase. The pattern fits just like the steady pace of rain outside of the windows, and he feels his eyes droop.  
But then.  
"I diagnothe you with dead." Someone speaks, breaking his pattern.  
Eridan suddenly whips his neck 360-degrees to search for the direction of the voice.  
“Ouch. That hurt a tad." He untwists his neck and blinks searching the room with frantic eyes, shoulders tense. His hands shake ever so slightly. And he speaks out –  
"W-who said that?" Eridan silently wishes his stutter wasn’t so apparent. "Show-w yourself!"  
It is silent for a few moments, but soon enough, the mysterious man answers.  
"It’th me, Dr. Pig.”  
"Dr. Pig...? And w-who the bloody hell is that?"  
Eridan makes out a thin, lanky shadow lurking outside of his window. Little did Eridan know, the being that introduced himself as “Dr. Pig” was actually Sollux Captor. But the troll couldn’t tell, anyway. Without his glasses, he was unable to make out the distinguished sets of horns of the yellowblood.  
"W-what do you w-want from me?”  
There is no answer to Eridan’s question, except for a repeat of a phase.  
"I diagnothe you with dead.”  
Feeling rather threatened (and aroused) by the ominous words, Eridan snatches his willy from under the pillow and aims it at the silhouette of the so called “Dr. Pig.”  
"W-well... you can't diagnose me with death if I kill you first!" The violet troll yells angrily.  
“Hehe. Willy.”  
"W-WHAT?” The troll yells angrily. “Da fuck d-did you say to m-me!” The young man storms up to the edge of his room and opens the window, only to be greeted by a huge gust of wind from the storm. He shoves his willy into Dr. Pigs nose, shivering from both from the cold and from fright. Eridan is trying his best to keep it together. He thinks of Feferis tits. It doesn’t work. He stutters, "If… if you don’t back off right now-w, I’m going to blow-w your throat out, w-willy and all!”  
Dr. Pig scoffs, and mutters to himself, “Ith he threatening to blow my throat out with a tiny penith?”  
Eridan overhears his words. "Are you... are you talking to yourself? My w-wand is great, fuck you! It's 19 inches!” He snarls.  
The silhouette only smirks. In the shadow, Eridan can faintly make out the glinting of Dr. Pig’s double fangs. He’s about to question the others teeth, but he is quickly distracted by Dr. Pig’s next words.  
“I don’t think it’th that big,” Dr. Pig snarks.  
"Are you challenging me?” Another gust of rain bursts into his room, and Eridan begins to tremble even more as he speaks. “Is this wot's happenin’? Are you really challengin' me?"  
"I diagnoth you with thmall peeny," is all that Eridan hears before he figuratively explodes in anger.  
"GRAHHHHHH!!” He grabs for Dr. Pig's hair but his hands grasp two sets of very familiar horns. The bluenette gasps, and quickly retrieves his hands.  
"Sol?"  
"Onii-chan?"  
"W-Why the fuck are you here, you b-blumbering penistalk? I almost killed you, you maggot filled shit-for-brains! Jesus fucking Christ, don't threaten me like again." The violetblood huffs and crosses his arms.  
"I told you,” Sollux says, “that I have to diagnoth you with dead." Eridan didn’t recognize his nasally, lispy voice at first. But now? It was so obvious! How could he have not realized from the start that this was Sollux fucking Captor? I’m an idiot, Eridan thinks to himself. He shakes his head.  
"What the fuck does that even mean?” The violetblood glares at the other man angrily. “You can’t just diagnose me w-with dead and not even explain it properly!”  
And then Sollux takes out his magnum, huge, large, grande, big sword.  
"Ah.... that's one big sw-word, all right.” Eridan says.  
"Bigger than yourth, I bet." Sollux’s eyes glint with maliciousness as he stares down Eridan’s sword with a condescending smirk.  
"W-what are you... going to do... w-with it...?" Eridan lowers his willy, his eyes squinting to take in the sight of Sollux's sword. He still can't see very well since his glasses are on his bed, but what he has right now will make do. Eridan curses to himself silently, wishing that he had better vision. Not that he wanted to take in Sollux’s sword in full glory. No, that can’t be it.  
Sollux stretches his magnum sword out to his bed and grabs his glasses with it. Eridan strains to see what's going on, but he feels Sollux's sword drop his glasses into his hands.  
"Thanks," Eridan moans in relief. Eridan pockets his glasses out of instinct and pats the sword in appreciation. Sollux immediately detracts his sword and snarls.  
"Lithten here, cumslut. Did I thay you could touch my thword?”  
"N... no!” Eridan stutters. “I’m sorry, Master."  
Sollux turns his sword into a collar. Eridan just realized what he had just done with his glasses. He takes them out of his pocket and finally puts them on. It is here that he is unable to fully comprehend what he is looking at. He sees Sollux’s sword, in all of its glory, twisting into the shape of a collar.  
"Hot dog!" Eridan yips happily.  
"Oh? Do you want a hot dog?"  
"Yeah."  
Sollux burns microwaveable hotdogs on the heat of his hot dick. He hands one cooked hot dog over to Eridan. Eridan consumes.  
"Thank you so much. I was feeling kinda hungry, but I was afraid of the rain." Eridan starts crying because the hot dog tastes so good. As he speaks, little pieces of chewed up hot dog meat dribble out of his mouth as he smacks his lips loudly.  
"Pussy."  
"It's going to ruin my hair,” Eridan whines.  
“Your hair is already disgusting, you disgusting asshole.” Sollux snaps. “Please take care of yourself for once and look like a normal person! You are so goddamn ugly, I genuinely think you were diagnosed with dead at birth because you look like a literal corpse.” He smirks. "But now? Now, I can finish the job."  
There is a dramatic pause before the troll continues.  
"The hotdogs... are poisoned."  
“I'm going to make you eat these fucking hot dogs and die with me. Who the fuck talks to me like that? Do you know who you’re talking to? I run the CIA. My dad is Jeff Kaplan. He's going to hire 10 hitmen and kill you. They’re going to chop off your sword. Blood will be everywhere. They'll use your liquids as mustard on their hamburgers. The rest of your body will be disposed in–” Anime music plays in Eridan’s mind, and he stops his rant for a split second, thinking oh god anime music is playing please help me I can't focus on my monologue never mind skipped the song. He stops, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath before finishing his speech. “Ok, so, what I’m trying to say is that Jeff Kaplan will ban you from competitive mode like the Korean fucking hacker you are."  
“But Eridan,” Sollux says, "I am already dead."  
“And I killed you,” The violet blooded troll replies. He takes out his willy and slaps him across the face with it.  
Suddenly! A super long and forked flashes out like a chameleon. Turns out, Sollux grabs Eridan’s willy with his tongue and pops it like a balloon.  
"Mmmmm," Eridan moans, throwing his head back and rolling his neckbone around 350 degrees.  
"What the fuck? You whore"  
"Sorry. That’s just one of my kinks, y’know?" Eridan lightly pats Sollux on his ass. The yellow bitch only smirks.  
"Shouldn’t you be dead?" Sollux is breaking down.  
"Your sword revived me."  
"Why am I still alive," Sollux begins tearing up. He wants to die. But why live if they’re all going to die? If he didn’t want to die, then why was he born?  
The yearn to die is so strong now and it increases every second because Eridan's presence is a plague to his existence.  
"Because my willy slap kept YOU alive. Our schlongs are the source to immortality, Sol." Eridan shakes the yellowette's shoulders. "We are here. Together. Because of our magic wands."  
"You fucking make me want to die," Sollux Homestuck thinks of an idea. He will cut off his gigantic sword with the glass inside of his glasses. Perfect.  
Eridan twitches his ear. "What, he mewed?"  
He will finally die.  
"NO!""  
Eridan stiches his sword back to Sollux.  
"I didn’t even cut it off yet, you freak!"  
"I misread. Sorry."  
"Who is this asshole taking 70 years to type." Sollux suddenly stops paying attention and stares at a silhouette in the doorway (there’s a door to outside of Eridan’s room, shockingly). It wasn’t there before. He nudges Eridan and eggs him to look the direction of the new light source.  
But Eridan pays little attention. He continues snapping on and on about the glasses.  
"I don't know, but I think you should stay the fuck away from my glasses.”  
Sollux smirked. He forgot Sollux himself had glasses.  
Suddenly, a frail boy enters the room. His balls drop out of his little jockeys and the look on his face all but spells contempt. Milky, almost as pale as salt sand, his skin stretched over lanky arms and thin, strong legs. His eyes, green as moss, are glowing with sentience as he eyeballs the two men who have their penises exposed to the howling wind.  
"What are you guys doing," he whimpered.  
Eridan spots Sollux's red and blue glasses and eats it.  
"Is that Komaeda from Undertale?" He questions while chewing on glass.  
"Kill me." Sollux cries. He repeats his words, over and over.  
"Kill me."  
"Kill me."  
"Kill me."  
"Kill me."  
"Kill me." Eridan adds on as a valiant attempt to cheer Sollux up his ears perking from under the skin.  
"No, not you." Sollux retort.s  
"No, me."  
"ME! No, I want to die and not have to think of your existence ever again!” Sollux screams and shoves his rattery hands in Eridan’s face.  
"Dude, I’m an alpha, right? Let's knot!" Eridan beams up and his eyes glow.  
"Bro... I’m an alpha. Fuck you."  
"Bro!"  
"I don't want to be the mpreg one."  
"I wish your mom had an abortion."  
"What’s a mom?"  
"I thought this was humanstuck, nani? "  
"Sollux had horns, you plumb."  
"I’m just a freak and I like to cosplay." Sollux makes a sad face and folds his ears in sadness because he’s sad.  
Eridan pulls Sollux in for a hot sweltering make out.  
Actually, retcon that I can't fucking imagine Eridan doing that. That's so gross pretend I never sent my last message.  
No, it already happened and Sollux is crying.  
"Ahahaha..." Komaeda’s eyes suddenly began filling with a grey substance, as though despair had taken on a physical liquid, however impossible the concept seemed. "I don’t blame you for wanting to be killed upon meeting me. I guess I get it. My mother and father abandoned me from a young age, and I guess the sadness affects the boy I am today... but it doesn’t stop me from caring about the two of you." His eyes fall to glance hesitantly at Eridan’s massive fucking cock.  
"ERIDAN DOES NOT HAVE A MASSIVE COCK!" Sollux begins to glow blue and red because he’s angry.  
Komaeda gulps and ignores Sollux.  
"Do you uh... do you want me to... help you with that? Eridan?"  
Eridan licks his tears and stuffs the guitar back in his pocket as he distiches himself from Sollux’s swelteringly hot make out. He turns to the boy.  
"If you don't shut up right now, I'm going to fold you over five times and fit you into my suitcase." He warns the little anime.  
"Please don’t fold me- I might fart.”  
"Please help me," Sollux is crying because no one has ever loved him before... His mother, Rose Lalonde, beat him in the past because he didn’t finish doing the dishes.  
"It’s okay, Sollux... I will be your first mate." Eridan clasps his hands around Sollux’s neck and wrings him with platonic bro love.  
Sollux turns to Eridan. "Eridan, why hasn’t my father come back from the grocery store?"  
"Jeff fucked him behind 711,” he replies simply.  
Komaeda starts to whimper. "Sometimes I shit myself when I’m sad because I want attention and for someone to clean me up and help me, but then I remember I’m all alone and I have no one that loves or cares about me," He curls up in ball and cries, his nuts hanging out of his shorts.  
"Hella Jeff?” Sollux kicks Komaeda in the nuts with his heelies. It hurts a lot.  
"Hey... it’s ok, little boy...” Eridan pat pats the thinner man’s nuts. They’re soft. A bit hairy. He licks his horns.  
"Hey," Sollux warns.  
"Thank you, I-" Komaeda flushes a little, his voice cracking as he squeezed his eyes shut and rested his face in his palms.  
"W-what is it?” Eridan asks gently. “What's wrong?" Suddenly, he is filled with apprehension. What could he have done that upset the lithe anime character? He hopes he has not done anything wrong. For some reason, looking at Komaeda fills Eridan with a fluttering feeling in his chest that he has not felt in a long, long time.  
"I––it’s––hg–just... Ohh, jeez I-I’m s-sorry, sorry, s-sorry. Please d-don’t hate me for this," Komaeda sobs and blubbers out his words.  
Eridan notice a bulge in his shorts.  
Sollux jumps from the window. He really, really wants to die – he’s been diagnosed with dead. Eridan's massive schlong stretches and grabs Sollux by the ankle before he hits the ground, pulling him back in. Sollux’s head hangs low as he curls up under the window.  
"You’ve been diagnosed,” Eridan pleads, “but that doesn't mean you have to die now!"  
“What the hell is wrong with that man’s penis!” Komaeda screamed. Eridan looks away from Sollux and returns his focus back on the Japanese inkling.  
"My penis can shape shift,” he explains to Komaeda. He gently wipes the tears away from his face.  
"Eridan. You love Komaeda, that pathetic boy, more than me...” Eridan hears Sollux’s voice crack as he speaks his words, and a pang hits his chest hard. Sollux turns to Komaeda. “Please kill me, Komaeda."  
"Let’s all enter a polyamorous relationship,” Eridan proposes. This is what he wanted. He just wanted to express love on all sides, but now he is just witnessing Sollux and Komaeda neck to neck.  
"I think I’m going to shit myself," Komaeda says.  
"Need any help with that?” Eridan winks and chuckles nastily to himself, out loud. He leans over to Kaneda and plays with the zipper of his jeans.  
“NO!” Sollux interrupts the two. "I hate Komaeda! He doesn’t brush his teeth! He’s so fucking ugly and I hate him!" He pulls his hand up into a fist and bares his teeth in anger.  
"It’s ok, Sollux… come here…" Eridan pulls him into an embrace and nips his collarbone, tenderly kissing his clavicle. "I’m such a fucking slut for Asians," he adds in a throaty groan.  
"I’m also a slut for 5% Scottish, 12% Polish, 7% German, 18% French heritage." Sollux throws his head back, exposing his neck for more intimate touching from Eridan.  
"Hehe... thanks." He’s hard now.  
"And I’M a slut for 100% massive penis disorder!” Komaeda adds in. He winks.  
Before Eridan is able to respond, Sollux takes out his hand gun. Sollux knows what he has to do. He has to end this now. It’s now or never, or else that twat was going to take away his true love away from him.  
He shoots Komaeda in the head.  
"Shoot my dick, please, no- NO NO NO NO-----" Eridan screams.  
“Ahhh! No, ouch, ah, please… Don’t shoot me! I love being alive. Oh jeez. Oh, please don’t.” Komaeda cries and hugs his dick a little, blood oozing out of his ear. He’s dying.  
"No Eridan... I’m sorry..." Sollux’s eyes are cold. He sees through the two.  
"That was our fucking son." Eridan murders.  
"NO! You fool."  
"Why am I the fool?"  
As the two bicker, Komaeda’s dick stirs to all the commotion.  
"This child is... well he’s... he..." Sollux bargains.  
"He’s...." Eridan repeats Sollux skeptically, his eyes still bloodshot from crying over the death and posthumous arousal of Komaeda Negato.  
"Eridan... he’s...." Sollux’s voice lowered. "A social justice warrior… a SJW..."  
"a SJW cannot get his dick stirred from creepy connotations and murder," replied Eridan.  
"You fool. He’s not even Komaeda. He’s just a Komaeda KIN!"  
"Mod fucking Shadow was spacekin and an anti-SJW," retorted Eridan.  
"He’s a fake, Eridan."  
"He was my fake, Sollux."  
"Well, I’m SORRY!" Sollux takes the gun and shoots both of our dicks so he can’t be rezzed and then shoots himself in the head.

**Author's Note:**

> cuck


End file.
